This is a tough one to write my friend. I have struggled for a year and a half with how to put into words the moments of 2014 that turned very dark. Moments where the air was completely sucked out of the room, and I was left trying to find an emergency oxygen source as if I was on a plane crashing down to earth. Moments where all the sounds of the world were drowned out, and all I could hear was the sound of my own intensified heart beat. Moments that hurt so much that I was amazed that so much pain couldn’t actually kill you. Moments of darkness that I never saw coming (as if any of us do!), and moments that changed me forever.
I struggled so much with how to tell my story because I am a very open person usually. I always want to be transparent in my writing, because hiding my truth goes against everything that Girl, I Hear Ya stands for. I thrive on creating a connection with women who may be going through similar life journey’s. Not the same journey (we each have our very own unique life story, never to be copied..), but similar in the fact that women face some of the same daily challenges and situations every day, and I want to be able to support them and let them know they are never alone. Being able to share my words and experiences with people is truly what makes me most happy. When someone emails me or texts me to say “thank you for being so honest about blank”, I know I am tapping into the gifts I have been given. There are a lot of gifts that I missed the boat on getting, but I have learned that connecting with people is just what I do.
So, back to the dark moments……since I pride myself on being open and honest, I have struggled with talking about the dark moments because they don’t just affect me. This was an event that impacted my entire family, and the main source of pain was not myself. So, out of respect for all involved, and their request to not share details, I haven’t, and I never will (unless the time comes that I am given permission). I knew however that the levels of emotions that I experienced during that time (and frankly, still today, but just differently), was something that others could relate to. I knew that although it felt like the world had stopped and nothing else was happening outside the walls of my own life, that in all reality, I was just one of many who were going through dark moments. The moments may have been different, but I was (am) pretty sure the emotions and loss for words are exactly the same. Until recently, I couldn’t differentiate the two. I knew I wanted to share my story to help others but without being able to give specifics, then how could I? Then, just recently, I realized that the specifics actually don’t even matter. It is the feelings of hopelessness, anger, guilt, sadness, anxiety, and every other emotion that we experience as human beings, that actually matters in relating to others. In fact, it is what is MOST important! This realization is what has brought me here today my friend, able to write to you and share with you moments in time that we all may experience, and although at the moment we are going through it, it doesn’t seem survivable, it actually is, and if we allow it, makes us better people because of it.
I want you to know my friend that if you have had, or are currently experiencing dark moments, that I am here for you. I want to share with you some of what my moments looked liked at times:
-hating the world and everyone in it
-staying in bed all day waiting for the blankets to smother the feelings of guilt and sadness right out of me
-breaking down in tears constantly, sometimes to the point of hyperventilating
-knowing that life as I had known it up to this point was over and would never be enjoyed again (a lie)
-feeling jealous of all the other “happy” people I would see when I was out and about
-eating and drinking too much to numb my feelings
-lashing out to my closest loved ones because some days all I felt was anger
-shying away from the world and going into a self induced “rabbit hole”
-sharing my story with some of the wrong people (be careful here my friend. You will have moments where you are so vulnerable that you just need to tell the next person you see how much life is hurting you, but keep in mind, a lot of people don’t actually care….) *big note to self
-wash, rinse and repeat all of the above and more….
If any or all of those look like you today, I want you to know it is OKAY! I promise you there will be a day that you can look back on it without crying and be proud of yourself that you made it through. I made it through. YOU will make it through!! Always know that!
So, I am writing this to you NOT to give you all the juicy details of the darkest moments I have experienced so far in my 44 years, but understanding that I can hopefully help just one other person, (although I have a feeling many of you are saying “girl, I hear ya” right now…), know that we ALL have dark moments in life. There is power in knowing this!
I also want you to know that the person you see in my posts is a real person. I am 90% a positive and happy person, and choose to share my life as so, but I am human and share many of your same insecurities and doubts, the same fears and some of the same dark moments. But all of that together makes me who I am, as yours makes you who you are. This is real life my friend! I am so glad you are here to share it with me! I also want you to know that as I continue to share my life journey with you, there will be other posts that relate to sharing my “dark moments”, and I will just refer to them as such (sort of like Voldemort in Harry Potter, of which whom shall not be named..) 😉 It’s okay to laugh my friend, I am…..
For those of you going through dark moments right now: I love you. I acknowledge you. Please know tomorrow is another day to move through the darkness, and YOU WILL!
Big love from me to you,