Okay, I’m going here with this one, so just hold on tight………..Public Service Announcement: Please put your fucking high horses away!! They are not wanted. They are not necessary. They are not loving. They are not accepting. They are full of judgment. They are not required…..
I used to ride a “high horse” though…for years….everyday. Oh, yes! I was so high on my own life choices, and on what I thought was best for not only me, but for anyone else I came across, that I rode through life judging others. I would try to help my friends and family make different choices, or get them to join whatever road I was traveling down at the time, (because WHY wouldn’t they want to??!), but the problem with that was, that they never asked me to help them make different choices. But in my mind, they NEEDED to make the same choices I was making. I held expectations on people that I never told them about, or that we ever discussed together, but yet, when they didn’t meet those expectations, I was disappointed, not in myself, but in them! Yes, my “high horse” was not put in the stable at night, but stayed with me 24 hours a day, and I rode it everywhere…..AND I was miserable.
Of course, to the world looking in, I looked extremely happy and in control. I was just one of those people who was organized and could “get things done”. I had a great marriage, (well, not so great, and I take 80% of the blame on that), I had 2 great kids (absolutely great!), stayed at home with the kids, community volunteer, etc., etc., etc…….However, I was miserable. My unwillingness to accept myself for who I truly was, (you see, my vision for what I “thought” I wanted to be like and what I wanted my life to look like, was very different than who I truly am as a person…), was making me so unhappy, that it was just easier for me to focus on everyone else’s problems than my own. Who wants to actually admit and say out loud, that they are playing a role, and not being genuine to themselves or others? For a long time, I didn’t…until it came to the point where if I kept pushing the “real me” away, I knew it would lead to a dead end road……
Flash forward many years, and I am able to look back on that Kalee and celebrate that she is gone. But it was hard! It was so difficult to put a mirror in front of me and have the reflection back on myself and take it off other people. But after a lot of self-growth and honesty with myself, I made the changes necessary to get to where I am today. My life looks very different than it did years ago, but I am truly happy. Let me be clear though, my life is not perfect, and never will be, but it is definitely the most real and raw life I could have ever imagined living.
What I am most happy about though is that I recognize the “high horses” others ride around on, and now realize that they are self-induced. When their judgements come my way, I know not to get upset because their actions are a reflection of them, and not me. I realize that when they are putting other people down, or acting like an asshole, that it actually is all about them…and not me….and not YOU, my friend! Yes, “high horses” are easy to hop on, but very difficult to dismount. But, as I said before, they are NOT required. The sooner everyone can be honest with themselves, the sooner we will see “high horses” ride off into the sunset and never come back ( I realize that is only in a perfect world, but I am hopeful….).
Unfortunately, there are not just individual “high horses” out there, but herds of them that come together and sometimes look like a certain church (yes, I said that!), or a certain organization, or a certain media outlet, or a certain fill in the blank with so many things…..and they can be devastating to people. The “what is acceptable and what is not” propaganda, and the judgements on who people are, is unbelievable. And it is divisive. And it is hateful. I just don’t get it. We see it every day on the news, and in our daily lives. This is a harder “high horse” to dismount, I understand that, however, if we all would take an individual look at ourselves and dismount our own “high horses”, then the group dynamics can change. I truly believe that. It HAS to start with every one of us. It had to start with me way back when, and I know I have to continue to have self checks along the way, so not to hop on a different “high horse”….
So, my friend, today I ask you to take an honest self inventory with yourself, and if you find that your “high horse” likes to come out for daily walks in the pasture, I will ask you to decide to leave it back in the stable. You will be happier for it. I promise.
I also want you to know that this type of honesty is not easy for me to write. It is still hard to say out loud to myself and others my flaws and not so flattering life choices, but being honest with who I am as a person and writing my truths down is what I know I am supposed to do. Not for your benefit, but for my own. Sometimes the ugly truth is the best truth we can tell.
Make it a great (and “high horse” free) day!